So I’m teaching again in a couple of days, and I’m taking tonight to study. Some time to reflect, refresh, and restore. Because for a practicing yogi, I haven’t felt very relaxed recently.
But, thankfully, tonight I’ve reached a turning point.
I knew it would come; they always do. But being patient isn’t always easy. It’s ironic that yoga was becoming overwhelming and I’m glad I feel better now. I credit my change of pace, the tune-up of my frequency, to meditation and asana, to getting clear.
It’s not like it’s a miracle cure. I still have chest tenderness and twinges from a slightly strained pectoral muscle, and I still have a cough and a stuffy nose thanks to allergies. But I’m no longer bothered or in despair. I’m still too tired, but I’m no longer grouchy. And that’s because I reconnected with my guidance and I believe I am cared for.
I’m not saying I know what’s right for anyone else but I find it both comforting and useful to believe the universe has things under control, that I have guidance. I can trust that as long as I’m trying, I’m on the right track; that living honestly I can’t go wrong.
Teaching yoga feels honest; a reward worth the challenge. Seven weeks ago I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to work at my studio, to guide others in a practice that has changed my life. So I gave myself the open opportunity to choose not to educate; to settle for self-improvement. But as time’s passed my passion has expanded, to the point where there’s no point not pursuing this further. Time won’t wait and I can only choose forward or backward, so I pick the former. Onward and upward, let’s see where this goes.
As you might imagine, having this sort of upbeat, secure perspective is much more grounding than the shakiness of uncertainty. Ever since last week I’d been feeling low and run-down, initially because I gave too much energy in the process of teaching, but then the allergies kicked in and general malaise presided. Over the weekend of training, I absorbed information to the point of overflowing, desiring every drop but physically unable to soak it all in. Saturday night all I wanted to do was sleep, and Sunday morning I broke down and had a pity party because missing the bus and having to walk to class pushed me over the edge.
But then Sunday night I went to the launch event for IMeditateNY. It was at Lincoln Center and 2,700 people meditated at the same time. At least, I assume we were all meditating; I sort of suspect some of us were napping. Because we were told we were going to meditate for ten minutes–which is a pretty long time, if you ask me, especially for beginners–but by the time the leader told us to open our eyes, it had been twenty-one minutes.
I’m not even sure whether I fell asleep; I don’t remember losing consciousness but I definitely drifted into the realm of yoga nidra, a sort of daydream-like place where your thoughts take visual form as they run through your head. At least, that’s how I experience my consciousness when I listen to my yoga nidra recording, and that’s how things seemed to go during last night’s meditation. It felt like only a few minutes before I was overcome with an irrepressible urge to cough. The itch of my throat jolted me out of my meandering reverie and into a state of subdued alarm. I distracted myself as best I could but finally I could withhold no longer and I unleashed my ratchety, repetitive cough onto 2,700 people in a symphony hall of silence.
I didn’t have tissues and then I spilled my water onto my most expensive yoga textbook, so I guess the meditation didn’t have the immediate effect of bettering my temperament. But it was almost like I’d been hypnotized; I was already so exhausted that the twenty-minute trance–which concluded shortly after my coughing episode–had put me into a state of relaxation so deep I could only stagger toward bed and surrender to sleep.
And today I felt better. Able to take on the day with patience and perspective, and even to feel some good humor. After work I fell in love with vinyasa again, this time in a hot room. The sweat felt good, the effort revitalizing. Near the end, I was amused rather than frustrated when I slipped on the mat. In happy baby pose, I giggled–always a good sign. And my final savasana turned into a brief, deep, and meditative snooze.
I keep hearing that the universe wants the best for me, that if I ask, I can earn what I desire. I still don’t know what the heck I’m going to do three weeks from now, when I have my certification. (Wait. That calls for all caps: MY CERTIFICATION!!) But three weeks is a long enough time when I pay attention to every day, so I’m not worrying right now. Instead I’m taking actions that are in line with my goals; I am practicing what I love. And in two days, I will teach what I believe (again)!
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