Graduation is in four days, and if I don’t successfully teach a complete class tomorrow, I’ll have to return my diploma after the ceremony. And it will be okay.
Take that, my Type A personality traits! I’ve chosen santosha (aka contentment) and isvara (aka surrender) over fear and anxiety, and it is a blessed relief.
The past few days have been emotionally intense, and worrying about what’s next has not been helping. In fact, worrying about what’s next is the number one reason why I have yet to successfully teach a complete class. Sunday I came closer than ever before–down to the last five minutes–but I lapsed out of the present moment, let my mind drift to the finish line, and forgot to cue the last few postures before final savasana, so the teacher stepped in and did it for me.
Such a small mistake, and yet so huge. Because, as I realized when I took the class that followed–asana allows my emotions to clear like nothing else does–the final few postures are beautiful things. Joyful, gentle, warmhearted gifts that I neglected to offer my students.
Last night I taught an imaginary class from the comfort of my bedroom, and I laughed out loud when I got to the end. I’d been testing myself as I talked, reviewing note cards I’d created for each posture to be sure I was covering the points I think are most important. It was encouraging to see how on track I was–I’d glance at a card after moving on to the next posture, and nine times out of ten what I’d just said was exactly what I’d written or something better. And then I got to the end, and realized I never created cards for the final three postures.
I’m not saying there’s a direct correlation, that if I’d made additional flash cards two weeks ago that I wouldn’t have omitted the poses the other night, but I do think there’s some kind of connection. It’s like all along I’ve been considering the wind-down section of class as a throwaway, something unworthy of study, just because the poses aren’t as hard to teach as, say, revolved-side-angle-into-a-bind. But in a yoga class, every minute is equally valuable. As a student, I know this to my core. And as a teacher, I’m glad I finally figured it out.
So tomorrow I’ll get one more shot as an official teacher trainee. If I don’t succeed, I’ll deal with the consequences then. But I’m sure not going to worry about them in the meantime. I’m busy being right where I am.
You have been so very open and honest about your journey so far and I believe that is a characteristic that preps you for what ever the future holds. Your writing has sparked many reflections on what teaching has brought to my own life’s work…the successes and failures. Thank you. My thoughts are with you as you take the next steps. Peace and hugs.