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I definitely have a husband. We’re just not married yet.
It’s possible we haven’t even met.
But I promise you, our marriage is worth waiting for.
Making way for the future
“I have faith in the future I cannot see.”
That’s an affirmation that means a lot to me. Sometimes I need to say it through gritted teeth, but I always do my best to believe it.
And the contents of Lesson 9 can help me keep the faith.
First, something I forgot about Lesson 8
I did not do all my homework yesterday.
I discovered this because I was flipping back through my journal to last time’s Lesson 8, nearly eighteen months ago.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, Lesson 8 was the last one I’d complete, probably because of the revelations it revealed.
See, apparently, in addition to noting significant losses and subsequent gains, there was another part of the prompt.
We’re also supposed to acknowledge the losses or disappointments we might be attempting to avoid.
Yikes and no thanks!
But 2016 me, unhappily partnered at the time, was dutiful in making a rather long list. And then she concluded this:
Well OUCH, hi denial, wtf do I do with this? I am not willing to end the relationship nor do I want to yet also I so deeply desire a different dynamic, so, wow, guess for now I’ll just marinate in my honesty and pray.
And then…
Crickets. No more journal entries.
A week later, I broke up with Jim.
A year and a half later, I am single again.
Lesson 8, revisited
Maybe it’s a coincidence that, this time around, I missed seeing the second part of Lesson 8.
Or perhaps my subconscious wanted to skirt a question whose answers could change my life?
Either way, having realized my omission, I addressed it.
And so, here, presented as one run-on sentence so that it will be as hard for you to read as it was for me to admit, is some of the loss and disappointment I am trying to avoid:
that he really might not come back or even if he does that i might not want the relationship again that this could be OVER over that he isn’t who i thought he was that i’m not who i think i am that our future was a fantasy that i’ll never see his cat again that we’ll never get to touch again that i’ll have to move on too far without him that we are losing time we can’t repair
UGH and phew.
So what’s next?
Forgiveness FTW
I love forgiveness. Love, love, LOVE it.
Forgiveness is right up there with gratitude in its ability to transform.
Lesson 9 makes a convincing case for dropping resentments and owning your part in every situation.
It’s one of the longer lessons and I already spent a lot of time revisiting Lesson 8, so I will trust you to check out the details of the text yourself if this is a topic that interests you.
But suffice to say, forgiveness is THE way to go, if you want to go forward.
And there was this nugget, which nipped at me directly:
“Many of us must also give up needing to have the person who hurt us understand the agony that they have caused. It’s great to get an apology but it’s not really necessary. The real value in these situations is to see our own part and to grow ourselves wiser and more whole.”—CITO p.60
Like, can Katherine read my mind? How did she know that in the back of my head I have a running list of apologies I am prepared to graciously accept?
Consider me called out. Because she’s right. The truth is, “nothing short of complete neutrality toward those we’ve resented will do.”
Lesson 9 in practice
I sort of went a little rogue on this assignment. The prompt is to make a list of those you resent, then to choose the name that feels the most “hot” to you and follow up with a series of questions.
I know I should probably go through this exercise with Paul in mind. But I am still struggling to admit I resent him.
I love him so much; I don’t want to be mad. He is so good; I don’t want to see bad.
And honestly, this exercise is not asking me to do that.
This exercise is about my own accountability. (“What can I be responsible for in this situation?” “What lessons did I learn?”) And still, the final question makes me balk.
“What can I now let go of so the situation is complete?”
I do not want to answer that.
The truth is that as much as I am letting go—and, dang, I have been doing some SERIOUS letting go—there is a part of me that is still unwilling to consider the situation with Paul complete.
So. A lot of the Lesson 9 questions I’ve already answered in other ways, and the rest of them can wait.
But forgiveness is nonetheless always in order.
Which is why instead of following instructions exactly, I sat down for some h’oponopono prayer.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
Those four phrases, repeated again and again, are sincerely magic. They work miracles. And they help me have faith in the future I cannot see.
Love > fear,
Christina
Want to know what happens next? Proceed to Chapter 10.
Missed what happened before? Go back to Chapter 8, or start from the beginning.
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