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This week’s workload was intense AF and I am so ready to be done.
Between last night’s emotional marathon of a meditation and today’s rigorous inventory of what I’ve uncovered in recent weeks, I am all tapped out on the self-growth front.
Let’s get to the letting go
Lesson 21 makes it clear (using a large amount of 12-step terminology) that “having the willingness to let go absolutely is the one crucial key to transforming our lives.”
You don’t have to “bottom out” on your misery, but you do have to be willing to change.
“We have such noble ideas of what we would do to find love. Many of us would profess to lose it all—give up our social status and our precious possessions, forsake our family and friends, and move halfway around the world, if need be. Yet, ask us to give up our defenses, our habitual thought patterns, or our way of perceiving ourselves and others and suddenly we are full of excuses and all sorts of reasons why we must stay the same.” —CITO, p.150
I. am. willing. to. change.
And I am willing to let go of my challenges—which, it should be noted, is not the same as getting rid of them.
I have no illusions that my hang-ups will vanish, but I have every confidence they will heal.
Because growth, Katherine says, “is not so much a process of accumulation, as it is a process of release.”
I release
Resentment of my family
Resistance to letting go of Paul
Leaning too much on a partner for support
Trying to avoid the disappointment of it being truly over with Paul
Not believing in myself 100%
Believing I need a backup plan
Seeking security more than growth
Trying not to be any trouble to anyone
Making my partner’s needs more important than mine
It’s not safe to trust anyone, especially a partner, at 100%
I deserve love, but not too much
If I let someone all the way in, they’ll smother me
Seeking structure/lifestyle from my partner
Prioritizing my partner’s needs above my own
Getting too excited/marriage-minded early on
Not wanting to need anything from anyone, esp. not from a partner
Ultimately I’m on my own
I can’t count on others to care about me
I’m somehow handicapped in the relationship dept./have catching up to do
Claiming my stuff is only temporary till my partner arrives/can take over
No one will ever want me all the way
Men are selfish
Men are dangerous
Most people are zombied out and shit is hitting the fan
The world is unsafe
I embrace
I fully forgive my family and completely accept them for exactly who they are
I release Paul to his higher power and trust god’s plan for us both
Taking full responsibility for my needs and seeking appropriate support from multiple resources
Accepting the possibility that my relationship with Paul might truly be over and trusting in god’s plan
Deeply and completely believing in myself
Trusting god to guide me always, no backup plan needed
Seeking growth and love above all else
I am worth going to trouble over; people who love me want to help me
Valuing my needs as much as my partner’s
Willingness to believe it is safe and possible to trust someone 100%
Deep understanding that I am worthy of infinite love, including in the physical realm
Willingness to believe I can let someone all the way in without losing myself
Taking full responsibility for how I spend my time, even when in partnership
Prioritizing my needs as equivalent to my partner’s
Trusting god to guide the pacing of a relationship and to keep me grounded
Being willing to need and request support from a partner
Willingness to believe I am not ultimately on my own
Willingness to believe I can count on others to care about me
Full faith in the truth that I am on time and totally okay
Taking full responsibility for my stuff no matter what, even when I’m in partnership
Willingness to believe someone wants all of me all of the way
Willingness to believe men are loving, supportive, and giving
Willingness to believe men are safe
More and more people are waking up and taking positive action
Only love is real
Willingness is the key
Under the “I release” column is everything I’ve identified in Lessons 1–20 that I see as standing between me and my availability to love.
Under the “I embrace” column are what Katherine calls “counter-thoughts” to each of the concepts I’m releasing.
I am so grateful that most of what I wrote is familiar material, much of it already processed, grieved, freed, etc.
Most of the “I release” column was easy to let go.
But a few items felt sticky or resistant.
The truth is that I’m not entirely sure it is safe to trust a partner at 100%, or that I can let someone in all the way without losing myself.
I can’t espouse with total confidence that I’m not ultimately on my own (especially because in a literal sense, aren’t we all?).
And as much as I wish I could easily claim that men are safe, I definitely have doubt.
Fortunately, I also have willingness.
So in the instances where a counter-thought didn’t feel completely true, I prefaced it with willingness.
I am willing to believe it’s safe to trust 100%, that I can give my all and keep myself, that authentic interdependency is possible.
And although it unfortunately still sounds preposterous for me to say that “men are safe,” I am willing to believe such a statement could be true.
Someday. When enough of us love enough of us back to health.
And the meantime, willingness and release will help me be free.
Love > fear,
Christina
Want to know what happens next? Proceed to Chapter 22.
Missed what happened before? Go back to Chapter 20, or start from the beginning.
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