You’re about to read Chapter 33. Want to start this story from the beginning? Go here.
It probably sounds arrogant (or ignorant?) to say this, but I believe I am sexually healed.
Unfortunately I don’t feel comfortable explaining entirely why, because it involves Paul, and I am very aware that he is not aware of this blog.
Suffice to say, however, that the contents of Lesson 33 are well worth receiving. And for me, they have already been gratefully received.
Before we go any further I must direct your attention to a certain song
I mean, you know you were thinking of it already.
So just in case you’ve never heard Ben Harper’s cover of the Martin Gaye classic, let’s just get that out of the way.
Take a few minutes and listen right now.
How ’bout that “whoa-ohh-ee-oh-OH-ohhh” at the 3:34–36 mark?
And then that “UGH” at the 3:59 mark?!
Is that not THE sexiest?
Sigh. SO good.
And while I am generally wary of turning to sex as an answer to anything, I cannot deny that it does, indeed, possess incredible healing powers.
So, thank you, Ben Harper, for making that power so damn audible.
FYI: You don’t need a sex partner to be sexual
For a long time I really believed that my sexuality was in relation to its receptivity.
In other words, if a man didn’t want me, I was therefore not sexy.
This false belief played out rather poorly throughout college and beyond, as I judged my value by the men who desired (or did not desire) me.
It makes me shudder to think of those days, how wrong I was. I wish I could visit Past Me and be her big sister, explain the real deal, help her walk—no, run—from so many of those men.
But Present Me is at peace with that past, and quite grateful that Future Me never has to relive it.
Present Me also understands that my sexuality actually has little to do with having sex.
“True sexuality moves us into an almost hedonistic view of the many tactile pleasures and delights available to all of us on any given day,” Katherine says. “Sensual pleasures such as eating, listening to music, dancing, gardening, or creating art flourish in the lives of the celibate, and rightly so.”
I don’t know if I qualify as celibate—my sex toys are far from neglected—but I do know that my second chakra thrives even without intercourse.
Hopefully, yours does too.
Because Katherine is correct: “Our sexuality always transcends whether we have a partner at this particular point in time, or not.”
Healthy sex is miraculous
To quote Katherine yet again, “Learning to trust another person fully, surrendering both emotionally and physically, is nothing short of a miracle. (So thank God, we actually believe in miracles.)”
A-M-E-N, is all I’m saying.
I believe that healthy, trusting, expressive sexuality is the most amazing and intimate communication two humans can share.
Or as Katherine says, “sexual union can be likened to a return to source energy. It is the deepest affirmation of life there is.”
So while, absolutely, yes, my sexuality and sensuality is not dependent on a partner, it also flourishes in partnership.
And I am so, so grateful to have learned this firsthand.
Lesson 33 in practice
I was so resistant to this homework.
Aside from the fact that is a miraculous third-day-in-a-row-reprieve from journaling, there was nothing that excited me about it.
Because, similar to my experience with the meditation assignment for Lesson 6, “I was hesitant to imagine an ideal that had already appeared.”
Katherine asks us to get still and release tension, and then with every exhale, we are supposed to let go of the energy from past sexual encounters.
So far, so good. I am happy to release “any shame, hurt, or anger” that I’ve been holding in my second chakra.
(Although, thanks to years of self-care + therapy + forgiveness, there really isn’t much there.)
With each inhale, we are supposed to reclaim our “wholeness and power,” retrieving any portions of our hearts or souls that we either gave away or had taken from us.
Again, great. This is helpful and healthy and, although it’s not new territory, it makes me feel strong.
But then came the catch.
“When you are ready,” Katherine says, “call the lover of your future into your meditation. Imagine him before you, lovingly gazing into your eyes. Feel your heart open in response to his love. Lovingly offer your body to him as a home and a sacred resting place. Feel him receive this offering as he, in turn, offers his body up to you with the same level of love and devotion.”
…The instructions go on—and become considerably more explicit—but you get the idea.
The prompt ends with the assertion that “there is a sense of complete trust and surrender that is both natural and joyful.”
Oh my goodness, was this hard.
Not because it was a challenge to imagine such a lover, but because, to again quote myself from Lesson 6, this experience “was not a visualization for me. It was a memory.”
I have been doing such good work releasing Paul.
I feel more at peace than ever before, more sure that the plan of god/the universe/whatever is well under way, that I am exactly where I need to be, progressing completely appropriately.
So for the love of everything, Katherine, PLEASE don’t make me think about the beauty, trust, and all-out miraculousness that sexuality can be.
I don’t need to envision what is possible because I have already felt it.
And I don’t need to remember it because I trust I will feel it again.
Love > fear,
Want to know what happens next? Proceed to Chapter 34.